Last Week We Moved to Nashville

Last week Morris and I moved to Nashville, TN. Morris' job relocated him to the Nashville office, and I got to come back to my hometown.

This was the smoothest move I've ever had. Because all of our worldly possessions were packed, labeled, loaded, driven to Nashville, and stored by a moving company. It was a weird, but beautiful thing to see all of our dishes, pictures, and valuables (read: one 20" inch TV) wrapped lovingly in bubble paper while we sat on the couch and watched.

Cleaning Couture

We did have to clean up, though.

Leaving D.C. was Tough
It was tough to leave my friends and colleagues that I've grown to love over the past 6 1/2 years.  It was tough to leave our church family where Morris and I have grown in our marriage and faith. And, it was heartbreaking to leave all my friends.

I cried so much one day, I gave myself a headache. I think it was all the farewell parties, cards, well wishes, and (even) a poem.

Reality hit me: I won't see these folks on a regular basis. And, I'm going to miss them.

The Good, The Scary, and an Identity Crisis

Me & My Nephew

The move is good, because we're in the same city as my family, and we're now driving distance from Morris' family.

But the move is scary, because I left my respectable job as an energy analyst to be a writer.

You profession is indicative of your status in D.C. And, you can't go anywhere without someone asking you (within 2 minutes of meeting you) "what do you do?"

Translation:  Are you important enough for me to bother with? 

I've almost bought into that mindset.

Morris and I are going to a BBQ this weekend, and I'm already rehearsing how to answer that question.

Am I having an identity crisis?

Maybe.

But, I think it's a good thing.

Maybe I was too wrapped up in trying to impress people. Maybe this phase will lead to some much-needed self reflection. And, maybe this phase will lead to something awesome! Either way, I'm thrilled about the possibilities and the free time to focus on my dream.

Forgive me for Silence
As you might have noticed, I've been away from this blog for two months. Please forgive me. I thought that I could balance it all i.e. :

• work full-time
• write in the early mornings
• participate in the Count Me In/Capital One Business Accelerator Program
• launch a website
• write an ebook
• conduct relationship research
• keep up with my goal-setting group
• take a blogging class
•  work out 3-4 times a week, cook dinner for my husband, travel, do informational interviews, be a career coach for college students, be active at church, spend time with friends and volunteer for the charities that I love. 
• AND move half-way across the country

But, it turns out. I could not.

And, when I found out about our move...I decided that I just wanted to soak up every last moment with my friends. 

Thank you for coming back and visiting this blog! And thank you to Allison and Jessica C. for checking back and noting my absence. That means the world to me, because I wasn't quite sure if anyone cared:-). I promise to be more consistent!

Up Next Week
Next week, we'll be discussing chemistry and the problem with falling in love. I've received a couple of questions about this. So, I want to talk about it with you and share my thoughts.

Please stay tuned...better yet subscribe via email!

It's good to be back. Love, Simone

What a Father Looks Like

My brother, +Israel Kirk, made this Father's Day video for me, and I wanted to share it.

Celebrate your father or a good father that you know today. John Eldredge in his book, Wild at Heart, says that the question that haunts every man is "Am I Enough?"

So, encourage and appreciate your father, the fathers you know, and future fathers today. Let them know that they are more than enough and just what they mean to you.

Happy Father's Day! Love, Simone

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families

This week I've been reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey.

Summary 
According to Amazon, the book is a practical and philosophical guide to solving the problems that confront all families and strong communities. By offering revealing anecdotes about ordinary people as well as helpful suggestions about changing everyday behavior, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families shows how and why to have family meetings, the importance of keeping promises, how to balance individual and family needs, and how to move from dependence to interdependence. It is an invaluable guidebook to the welfare of families everywhere.

My Review
 I loved this book. And, several times while reading I found myself thinking "the world would be a better place if all families aspired toward this." The book is rather long at 362 pages, but the time you will invest reading this book will pay dividends. I recommend that the head of the household read this book and share the concepts at family meetings or dinner. Each chapter concludes with a page on how to share the information with other adults and teens and a page on how to share the information with children.

Best 2 Features (i couldn't choose one)
Dr. Covey explains the Circle of Influence and the Circle of Concern.



The Circle of Concern is a large circle that embraces everything in your life that you may be concerned about. The Circle of Influence is a smaller circle within the Circle of Concern that embraces the things you can actually do something about.

Dr. Covey explains that we have a reactive tendency to focus on the Circle of Concern, which makes us upset and causes the Circle of Influence to get smaller. He says that we should focus our energy on the Circle of Influence and it will grow.

He also explains the concept of emotional bank accounts. Check out his blog post on that concept here.

Rating
I give this book two thumbs up!

Next Review
I'm beginning a 2-part series on Networking relationships. So, next week I'll be reviewing How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

Video: How to Become a Better Parent in Less than 3 Minutes

This week I am reading, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey. The book has great advice on how to be intentional within the family unit, and I'll post a review in a few days.

 In the meantime, I want to share my first video with you. I gave this talk a few months ago and I thought it might be helpful.

Tip 1: Do-Keep The Love Tank Full

Tip 2: Do-Practice What You Preach

Tip 3: Don't- Hide Your Mistakes from Your Children

Question: What else should I add to this list of parenting tips?

The War on Families

Image| theragblog.blogspot.com

Two years ago, I was a juror for a criminal case.

At the time of her arrest,  the defendant had a gun, drugs, and her 18 month-old son in the car at the time.

And I began to get a picture of the her  life from the character witnesses. Her family was unsupportive. Her boyfriend was unkind, and she was uneducated.

It made me sad, because as a juror I am sworn to look at the facts of the case in isolation. But as a christian, I couldn't help but feel sorry for this young girl that had been failed by so many.

They Were Both Doomed

And, I started thinking about what kind of life her son would have. The odds are that:

• He will live in poverty
• He will not complete high school
• He will have anger problems
• He will face a similar jury for committing similar crimes. 

And, I got angry because I realized this baby boy and his mother we both doomed.

So, in my zeal to do something I decided I would change careers and become a  parole officer. But, after weeks of phone calls, introductory e-mails, and research I never even got an informational interview.

So, I decided I would wage war with my keyboard.

The War On Families

Whether or not you realize it, there is a war on families. And, it is fought in many seemingly unrelated battles:

• fewer Christian women getting married
• the number of marriages that end in divorce 
• the proliferation of same-sex marriage laws
• the wrong images of marriage that abound (read: Jay-Z and Beyonce et.al. )
• continuous family feuds and unresolved conflicts

John 10:10 says that the Thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy. But, Jesus came that we might have life and it more abundantly. Abundant life includes our relationships, marriages and families. 

And, I am on a mission to see that restored. 

Why I Write this Blog
I write this blog because the world needs strong families. Strong families start with strong marriages. And, strong marriages start with strong relationships.

John C. Maxwell in his book, Make Today Count, says that the relational foundation of any family is a couple's marriage. It sets the tone for the household, and it is the model relationship that children learn from more than any other.

I also write this blog for my single friends that I love and adore. They want to be married. I want to share the lessons I am learning. I also want them to skip my mistakes.

Question: What battles do you see being fought against strong families? 

Is Your Love Tank Empty?

In his book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Chapman says that  love is the primary human emotional need. He explains that problems arise in relationships and families when people have an empty love tank. 

An empty love tank is the result of not feeling loved.

 Dr. Chapman says that learning to speak the primary love language of your spouse and loved ones can radically change his or her behavior. 

The Five Love Languages

• Words of Affirmation: use words that build up and encourage. "Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love." They are best expressed simply such as, "I love your hair." "You look great in that color."

• Quality Time: giving your husband your undivided attention. Dr. Champan cautions not to confuse togetherness with proximity. Togetherness means focused attention i.e. turning the TV off. 

• Gifts: a gift is a symbol of thoughts and love."It doesn't matter whether it costs money, what is important is that you thought of them."

• Acts of Service: doing things your husband or loved one would like you to do. This is my love language and I am over the moon when Morris cleans the bathroom. 

• Physical Touch: is pretty straightforward. This is Morris' love language. 

Two weeks into our dating, Morris put his hands on my shoulder, looked me straight in the eyes and said “Simone, we are dating now. You have to kiss me as a greeting. Quit it with the waving.” It was super awkward at first. Public displays of affection aren't really my thing, but I learned. And, our relationship is better for it. 

A Full Love Tank

Make sure that when you express love to your husband, family, and friends that you use the right love language. An indicator of their love language may be things they do for you. 

Does your  friend gives great gifts? Gifts may be her love language. 

Does your sister love to hang out? Her love language may be quality time.  

Speaking the right love language will keep their love tank full and lead you both to a rich relationship.

Question: What is your love language? And, how do you feel loved?

The Power of Letting Go

I love the song, Let it Go. I love the message. And, I love the reminder it gives me: there is power in letting go. This song is from the movie, Frozen. A movie about two sisters with a strained relationship. One sister hurts the other, and drama ensues.

 We all have been wounded.  We all have been hurt. And, generally those hurts are inflicted by those closest to us. But, continuing to hold onto hurt and offense is crippling.

The Burden of Offense Pastor Wesley talked about learning to live above offense a few weeks ago at church. He said that:

Satan seeks to burdens us with offenses.

We must reject retaliation and refuse to get even.

We must be open to reconciliation. 

The message stuck with me, because offense is the enemy of strong relationships, marriages, and families.

Offense Hurts You and Your Relationship with God
John Bevere in his book, The Bait of Satan, talks about offense. He says that offense imprisons us, severs relationships, and hinders our relationship with God. Because an offended Christian is one that takes in life, but because of fear cannot release life. ( Please read his book. If you apply the principles, it will change your walk with the Lord and your relationships).

  The Hard Part

Image| glorialockhart.com

Forgiveness is the key to letting go. 

Make a Decision

We must make a decision to forgive. There is a common misperception that we must feel "ready" to forgive. It's wrong. Forgiveness starts with a decision. We make the decision and act on it. 

Do you remember the parable of the talents? 

In Matthew, a servant owed his master approximately $4.5 billion dollars. However, the master was kind and generous and forgave the debt. He probably felt like he could use the money, but he made a decision to forgive. The servant, on the other hand, was owed approximately $4,000 and made a decision not to forgive the debt. The master was enraged and turned the unforgiving servant over to the torturers. 

The same principle applies to us. If we don't forgive others of their offenses, we won't be forgiven of ours. Once you let go and forgive, you have the power to move forward in freedom. So, let's let go.  

Question: How will your relationships improve when you let go?

The Death of Decency

Image | BET Networks

Last week the television series, Being Mary Jane, concluded its 8-week run on BET. The show followed the life of Mary Jane Paul, a successful news anchor that has a tumultuous family and love life. She dates and pursues a relationship with a married man.

The troubling fact is, that in an effort to promote the show, BET urged women to take to social media and explain why they are Mary Jane. Thousands of women responded for the chance to be featured on a commercial break. And it made me wonder, why is there a constant stream of indecency nowadays?

Media Rewards Indecency
Say you are Mary Jane, and we'll give you a commercial. Beyonce bares her backside on the Grammy's, and her album sales skyrocket. Miley Cyrus shakes her fanny, and she is rewarded with millions of YouTube views. And, the Boston Marathon bomber is featured on the cover of Rolling Stone. The message we send is do something harmful, indecent, or reckless, and everyone will pay attention.

Hurt People, Hurt people
Only a hurting person would purposefully wreak havoc on someone else's marriage. Perhaps Mary Jane is lonely. Perhaps she is scared she will wind up alone. Either way she is hurting and she is determined to ensure that others hurt.  Mary Jane may intend to head toward "happily ever after", but her direction is headed toward heartache and heart break.

The Principle of the Path
In his book, the Principle of the Path,  Andy Stanley says that direction-not intention-determines our destination.  If I get in my car and drive toward I-95 South headed toward Richmond. My destination is ultimately, Richmond. It doesn't matter that I intended to go I-95 North to Baltimore and visit the aquarium. The same is true in life.

 If your actions and decisions are headed in the direction of heartache and heartbreak, that will be your ultimate destination.

People Need Truth
The Mary Janes of the world need people that will tell them the truth, reach out, and pray with them and for them. Indecency thrives when we sit by, shake our heads, and do nothing.

We Are in a Battle
The death of decency is simply a symptom of a deeper problem. John 10:10 says that the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. But, I came that you might have life and it more abundantly. The death of decency is all a part of the enemy's plan, and it is played out every single day when a husband is stolen, a family is destroyed, or an innocent is life taken.

But, Christ came that we might have life and it more abundantly. Pĕrissŏs is the Greek word for abundantly, and it means superabundant, beyond, superior, excessive, and superfluous. And, that's the life Christ wants for me, you, and even the Mary Janes of the world.

Question: What factors do you think are contributing to the death of decency? How can we fight those factors? 

Love Is Not Enough

Image | Telegraph

Women need love. Men need respect. 
Love alone is not enough for a happy relationship. In Ephesians, Paul says "Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." This is not a suggestion it is a must.

You may say "Simone, I am not married. So, this does not apply to me." But, it does!

I'm learning through my interviews that being respectful is attractive. Being disrespectful is unattractive. For example, a girl my husband once dated told him that he wouldn't be a good father, because he spent too much time working and studying for graduate school. He dumped that girl.

Respecting Men Will Help You Attract Men
If you are respectful, you will attract men. One of the guys I interviewed said that respect is critical, because he needs to know that someone values his ideas, respects his opinions, and that he has support.

Black men, especially, need our support. People are simply not lining up to tell them that they are loved and adored. Let us not forget that +Richard Sherman is a thug, despite being a Stanford graduate and Justin Bieber is our misguided youth, despite drag racing, drug possession, and egg throwing.

The Crazy Cycle

Image| Love & Respect

In his book, Love & Respect, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs says that when a man feels disrespected, he may react in ways that feel unloving. When a wife feels unloved, she may reacts in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband.

Dr. Eggerichs tells the story of his parent's marriage. Mrs. Eggerichs made a good income, and it enabled her to live without Mr. Eggerichs resources. Mrs. Eggerichs sent her husband the message that she could get along without him, by making financial decisions without consulting him. Mr. Eggerichs felt insignificant, offended, and hurt. And, often responded in an angry manner which left his wife feeling unloved.

Respect Research:
+Shaunti Feldhahn interviewed more than one thousand men for her book For Women Only. Chapter 2 is dedicated to her findings regarding love and respect. She says that women can show respect by:

• Respecting his judgment. A man deeply needs to know that the woman in his life respects his knowledge, opinions, and decisions. 
• Respecting his abilities. Men like to figure things out. The problem is we want to help them, and this translates into distrust. 
• Respect in public. Dozens of men told Ms. Feldhan that it was painful when their wives criticized them in public. But, the opposite is true too. If you praise him in public, he will feel adored. 

How to Show Respect:

• Refuse to engage in conversations that degrade men. When your girlfriend says "Girl, you know men don't know nothing about (insert topic). Do not agree. We believe the things we hear ourselves say. If we believe men are good for nothing, we will treat them as such. 
• Admire men. It will improve the way you treat them. Men are attracted to women that admire them. Not in the sense that we, oogle or objectify them. But, that we appreciative their gifts, talents, and strengths.  Don't you like it when someone admires you? 
• Compliment Men. If you are married, publicly praise your husband. If you are single, compliment the next five guys you see that are attractive. My friend recently began telling men that she thinks are attractive that they are, and in return she is attracting and being pursued more. 

• Question: How do you show respect to your spouse? If you are single, how will you practice respecting the men in your life?

Happy Wife, Happy Life

Image | Hanna-Barbara

A few months ago, I was going through a rough patch at work. I was quite miserable, because things just weren't going my way. And almost every day I would come home, sit in the closet, and cry. (We live in a studio apartment. So, there is little space for privacy).

Morris was supportive and comforting at first, but after about three months. He turns to me and says "Simone, I just want you to be happy."

And, I says to myself "I am happy".

Well...I'm happy with everything else in my life, except work. The problem is work and constantly thinking about it had consumed all of my mind space & soured my attitude. I was no longer the happy wife that Morris married.

His words stuck with me, and I made a decision to be happy again.

Make a Decision to Be Happy

I learned about making a decision to be happy during pre-marital counseling. Our counselor explained that for the first few years of his marriage he spent a long time trying to make his wife happy. Eventually, he moved out and they almost got a divorce! But, he realized that it was her decision to be happy, and it didn't have anything to do with him. They reconciled, and have now been happily married for 14  years. 

Views from Men on Relationship Happiness 

When I am interviewing christian, black, men about their views on relationships. I also ask them about the importance of a woman's happiness. All have said it was important, but for varying reasons. Here's a few comments from the fellows on happiness in a relationship:

• Women are good communicators. So, if they are not happy they will communicate it well. 
• Hurt people, hurt people. And, if a woman is perpetually unhappy she will hurt me and my family. It is a never ending cycle. 
• I want to be around someone that is happy, but I can't be responsible for their happiness.
• A woman's happiness is important, but she can't make it difficult for me to make her happy. If a man can't make you happy, it is discouraging to him, and damaging to the relationship. 

Have Your Own Life 

Laura Doyle in her book "The Surrendered Single" talks about making yourself happy every day. She says that the more you enjoy your life, the more attractive you will be. I agree, because no one wants to be with a Debbie Downer.

She also recommends that women maintain their own lives when in relationships, because no one person can meet all of our emotional needs. Laura adds that casting aside friends and hobbies that you once enjoyed in favor of total immersion with a man could make you cranky, co-dependent and miserable. We must keep ourselves happy and balanced. This factor is paramount to a successful relationship, because no great love was ever founded upon a woman giving up everything she loves and enjoys.

For more tips on being happy visit +Rosetta Thurman over at Happy Black Woman...she is a wealth of wisdom on gaining and maintaining happiness.

Confession and Submission

Image | MichaelHindes.org

I have a confession to make. I fell short on my commitment to you this week, and I didn't interview any christian, black, men. I know. I know. It is the third week of the Guide to a Black Man's Heart series and my goal was to interview at least two people. But I didn't, and I have no excuses. Please forgive me.

The good news is that my friend, KR, sent me an interesting video that I want to share and discuss with you, and it is a tough topic - submission. Candace Cameron Bure, D.J. from Full House, has a new book entitled Balancing It All. I haven't read the book yet, but there seems to be some controversy over her discussion of submission.

Submission

Submission seems like such a dirty word. It just makes me think weak and sniveling! I mean it is 2014, aren't we supposed to be strong, assertive, running things, and Leaning In? But, alas, Ephesians 5 spills A LOT of ink on the this very topic. It says things like:

• Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as unto the Lord
• Wives, should submit to their husbands in everything
• The husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church

In my head, I'm thinking: Lord, would you puleeeze gimme a break? And, He does. Because Ephesians continues that: 

• Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church
• Husbands, ought to love their wives as their own bodies
• He who loves his wife, loves himself

(continue self-talk) Yes, Lord! That's more like it. You tell 'em. It is comforting for me to know that our part is to submit, but our husbands have to love us wildly and unconditionally. Afterall, that's what Jesus does.

D.J. Candace Cameron Bure gives a sublime definition of submission. Please take three minutes and watch the video of her discussing submission with the Huffington Post. 

So, what do you think about this submission thing?  Is it necessary to make a marriage successful?

What Can Steve Urkel Teach Us About Relationships?

Steve Urkel loved Laura Winslow. But, Steve was a complete dork, dressed like a nerd, and was accident prone. And, Laura could not see past Steve's exterior...to see his good qualities.

If you were Laura Winslow, would you have been able to look past Steve Urkel's less than picture perfect exterior? Or do you have to be attracted to a man at first glance? And, is there a particular type of man you have sketched out in your mind's eye?

It is possible that the man of your dreams is right under your nose, but you are overlooking him because of preconceived notions.

Over the next six weeks, I'll be discussing what it takes to build a strong relationship. I've been interviewing Christian, black, men to learn their perspectives on relationships. One of the guys mentioned that we live in an Instagram world. He feels like women only want to date men that look a certain way, have a certain job, or drive a certain car. Because women want to look good on Facebook and Instagram. And, that struck me...is that true, are we really that shallow?

I'm not sure. But, it got me to thinking about Laura and Steve. If you have a Steve in you life that you are not giving the time of day. Wake up! You might just have Prince Charming under your nose.

Steve Urkel teaches us:

• Not to judge a book by its cover in relationships. 
• A man can change himself, but we can't change him. (Nor should we try.) 
• Don't let disappointments make you bitter. 

Steve was loyal. He professed his undying love and affection for Laura for four straight seasons, without any hope that his love would ever be reciprocated. But in season five, he morphed into Stefan Urquell. Steve changed himself, because he loved Laura. And he was willing to change in order to win her heart. But, the most important lesson we can learn from Steve is not to allow disappointments to make us bitter. Even when he became Stefan Urquell, he still was completely and totally in love with Laura.

So, when you head out into the world today...be open to the possibilities. Don't let past disappointments deter you. Remember, love comes in all shapes and sizes, and for heaven's sake, don't try to change him.